Get the hell out of the way!!!
Seriously.
If you are driving on San Francisco streets or freeways between the hours of 6am-9am or 4pm-7pm, I need to remind you of your obligations and the special driving rules that are required.
#1 - Move it! We all need to get where we are going during these hours. Yes, we probably took that extra couple of minutes in the house or at work doing things we had to do. Yes, if we had planned better, perhaps we would have left earlier and could make a leisurely drive to or from work. However, the reality is that we all have dumb kids who forget to turn shit in and hit you with it two minutes before you are out the door or we had to write that one email for our boss so that we don't get our ass canned the next day. Whatever the case, we are ALL in a hurry. The last thing we need is you deciding that you will be the guardian of all speed limits and that everyone else can just slow down. Honestly, when I ride your ass or honk, I am just engaging in social commentary and the reality is that it is you, not all of the people going fast, that are going to cause the frigging accident. So....move your tail...before I install grenade launchers in my front bumper to move it for you.
#2 - Know your stoplight responsibilities! We have all been behind the person who seems to have a 10 second delay between green light recognition and the ability to step on the flipping accelerator. As we sit behind them and watch the expanse of bare asphalt grow in front of them, our blood pressure soars for we well know that the keebler elves who live under the light sensors are saying in unison, "no cars on the sensor...change the light!" Of course, your slow reactions are quick enough so that yoooouuuu get through the light but the car or cars behind you are screwed into either making a borderline redlight violation (some less borderline than others) or forced to wait for the next cycle. YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY. When you are at a light, especially during rush hours, you need to wake up, do a practice run in your head...seee light....press accelerator....move big car, and jump on it when it changes. Your service to society is to ensure that as many cars get through the intersection on that light as possible. Do this and good car karma will bless you. Do it not, and well, I am likely to run the light and run my car as far up your ass as possible.
#3 - Go to the natural merge point! When we are getting on the freeway or even if we are on the freeway in the right lane, there is always the guy who can't seem to understand that he should drive all the way to the natural merge point....you know, the place where EVERYBODY understands its the kindergarten manners of you go, then I go, then you go, then I go....and we nicely and quickly weave into the one lane together. No...you feel the need to merge in early. Everyone else goes to the point but you put on your blinker and just merge in wherever the hell you feel like it. You hold up everybody else who is waiting to drive to the merge point, and then, after you merge into that lane, you make it worse for everyone behind you because guess what? Now, the onramp people will need to merge with you! Wait but you were being clever, you wanted to get over two lanes. You still screw over the people in the lane because as you slow down to try and get into the next lane, all sorts of onramp people are taking advantage of the gap you create and everone behind you is later to work. Do your job, go to the merge point and everybody will get to work without a problem.
There are probably more but I am late getting home because I am writing this. So get the hell out of my way!
Seriously.
If you are driving on San Francisco streets or freeways between the hours of 6am-9am or 4pm-7pm, I need to remind you of your obligations and the special driving rules that are required.
#1 - Move it! We all need to get where we are going during these hours. Yes, we probably took that extra couple of minutes in the house or at work doing things we had to do. Yes, if we had planned better, perhaps we would have left earlier and could make a leisurely drive to or from work. However, the reality is that we all have dumb kids who forget to turn shit in and hit you with it two minutes before you are out the door or we had to write that one email for our boss so that we don't get our ass canned the next day. Whatever the case, we are ALL in a hurry. The last thing we need is you deciding that you will be the guardian of all speed limits and that everyone else can just slow down. Honestly, when I ride your ass or honk, I am just engaging in social commentary and the reality is that it is you, not all of the people going fast, that are going to cause the frigging accident. So....move your tail...before I install grenade launchers in my front bumper to move it for you.
#2 - Know your stoplight responsibilities! We have all been behind the person who seems to have a 10 second delay between green light recognition and the ability to step on the flipping accelerator. As we sit behind them and watch the expanse of bare asphalt grow in front of them, our blood pressure soars for we well know that the keebler elves who live under the light sensors are saying in unison, "no cars on the sensor...change the light!" Of course, your slow reactions are quick enough so that yoooouuuu get through the light but the car or cars behind you are screwed into either making a borderline redlight violation (some less borderline than others) or forced to wait for the next cycle. YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY. When you are at a light, especially during rush hours, you need to wake up, do a practice run in your head...seee light....press accelerator....move big car, and jump on it when it changes. Your service to society is to ensure that as many cars get through the intersection on that light as possible. Do this and good car karma will bless you. Do it not, and well, I am likely to run the light and run my car as far up your ass as possible.
#3 - Go to the natural merge point! When we are getting on the freeway or even if we are on the freeway in the right lane, there is always the guy who can't seem to understand that he should drive all the way to the natural merge point....you know, the place where EVERYBODY understands its the kindergarten manners of you go, then I go, then you go, then I go....and we nicely and quickly weave into the one lane together. No...you feel the need to merge in early. Everyone else goes to the point but you put on your blinker and just merge in wherever the hell you feel like it. You hold up everybody else who is waiting to drive to the merge point, and then, after you merge into that lane, you make it worse for everyone behind you because guess what? Now, the onramp people will need to merge with you! Wait but you were being clever, you wanted to get over two lanes. You still screw over the people in the lane because as you slow down to try and get into the next lane, all sorts of onramp people are taking advantage of the gap you create and everone behind you is later to work. Do your job, go to the merge point and everybody will get to work without a problem.
There are probably more but I am late getting home because I am writing this. So get the hell out of my way!
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